The Seductive Illusion of Control

The past week has been spent in preparing for and then enduring the replacement of the original tiled kitchen countertops with granite slabs. We started this project in 2010, and I promptly fell into a massive procrastination mindset that lasted until this summer. The instigation for action was my brother's road trip with Mom to visit family in Southern California.

I began to write a recitation of all the steps to get ready for the new granite and got depressed. Suffice it to say that nothing about home improvement projects is easy, everything takes more time than planned, and I now know my way around four hardware stores in three towns. Oh, and the workmen broke the glass rangetop. I get that these are first world problems.

I have illusions of being in control of things like my house and my kitchen. Although I get my illusions dashed regularly, I am too stubborn to let go of them. They're my illusions, and I like them.

We invited my mother to live with us when we moved here in 2000, and we invited my brother to live with us two years ago. We have a friend with brain damage who has spent almost every weekday with us for years and helps with handyman jobs. Besides Herb and me, they all have free rein in the kitchen, and their imprints show up everywhere, from the food that's in the refrigerator to what's on the kitchen counters. Most of the time, I am okay with sharing "my" kitchen, but I get cranky sometimes. 

What I've discovered about my behavior and my attitudes, more than once because I'm a slow learner, is that when I get cranky, my body acts out. It's called biofeedback. So, right now, my carpal tunnel is talking to me, and I am communing with the time-release B-6.

I learned that control is illusory years ago as a young supervisor with equally young employees who were still learning how to be working adults. I learned that lesson raising two children who told me in myriad ways that "you're not the boss of me." 

I continue to learn that lesson as I try to finish up this kitchen project and negotiate with everyone else about when and how things will get done. Mostly, they all want to move faster than me, because they aren't hampered by the crippling control illusions that I harbor that prevent me from moving as fast as they want to go. 

I suspect the universe will continue to give me these lessons until I finally learn the lesson. I sure hope it's soon.

Breathe. Breathe. Live.

The intensity of real life as a Christian church volunteer leader has stolen my "free time." I have relinquished my time, bit by bit, willingly, because it feels irresponsible not to.

I do not feel important. I feel alone.

The concepts of "stepping up" and "representing" are a burden that falls upon leaders of color for a host of reasons. Making the decision to step up and represent are ultimately about a profound, deeply rooted, sense of responsibility and an embrace of sacrifice.

In this fiftieth year anniversary of important events from the American Civil Rights Movement, we are reminded of the ultimate sacrifices of martyrs who gave their lives for equal rights that we still haven't gained for everyone in this country.

My eyes are wide open, and flecked with occasional tears . . . if I allow myself the luxury of sadness. I believe that the business of Christian leaders is to give hope and to encourage new generations to engage the hope-giving business. Hope is the fuel of movements.

I have a strong work ethic, probably an understatement, and often work without ceasing, or at least, it feels that way. I also confess to taking substantial amounts of time to vege, to fall into a stupor of inactivity, because my 64-year old body just can't take the amount of work that I want to pursue everyday. Sleep does come, even when I strive to chase it away.

The time that I have sacrificed is writing time, and I am ready to write again.

I have engaged in considerable reflection while "doing" these past months. The direction of my reflection has been on issues of identity and the intersectionalities that differentiate people's senses of identity in geographically bounded communities.

I've been thinking about effective ways to break into comfortable cadres of privileged Christian leaders so that "the other" has an equal place at the table. I've been focused on the cultural differences in conversation styles in collective versus individualistic societies and how to help leaders bridge those differences in practical ways.

And I am reminding myself and you to make and enjoy many cups of tea . . .

Namaste. I greet you in the beauty that is life. Breathe. Breathe. Live.

Information About Serving on the General Convention Deputation

Although I wrote this for use in the Diocese of Colorado as we begin preparation for our October Diocesan Convention (mailings to convention delegates go out in mid-August), I am posting this here, because some of the general information might be helpful to others beyond Colorado. My profound thanks to Zoe Cole for her great edits to this piece, which make it both more accurate, and better! I am so grateful to serve with such a stellar General Convention deputation!

General Information

Elected by Diocesan Convention in October 2013, General Convention deputies and alternates serve through General Convention in June/July 2015 until the next diocesan election in October 2016. General Convention deputies participate in the governance and discernment of The Episcopal Church through activities before, during, and after the General Convention for which they are elected. Deputies are also the diocese’s representatives to the Provincial Synod. Historically, the Diocese of Colorado funds the participation at General Convention of the four lay, the four clergy deputies, and the first lay and clergy alternates. All members of the deputation, including all alternates, are encouraged to participate fully in the preparation before and debriefs after General Convention. In some years, deputies and alternates have been able to raise sufficient funds to send additional alternates to General Convention. Both changes in status, residence, employment and the desire to continuously raise up and train leaders prompts the full participation of alternates so that they are able to step into the role of deputy effectively, as needed.

Before General Convention

Before General Convention, the deputation meets several times, by teleconference and in-person, to do team building; to discuss elections, likely legislation, and topics to be presented at General Convention; and to discern the assignment of focused topics of interest in which each deputy and alternate will take leadership. The teleconferences are set for mutually convenient times. The in-person meetings will likely occur in Spring 2014, at Diocesan Convention in October 2014, and in Spring 2015. The “Blue Book,” which contains reports of all the Committees, Commissions, Agencies, and Boards (CCABs) of the General Convention and any resolutions that they are proposing, will be published some time between January and April 2015. Deputation members are expected to review the Blue Book, especially those sections relevant to their focus areas. In the current triennium, the deputation also made a half-day presentation to the Standing Committee on the issues that would come before General Convention. Individual deputation members may volunteer to speak at congregational forums in Spring 2015 to give issues briefings; such briefings in the past have been part of the fundraising to send additional alternates to General Convention. In Spring 2015, there will be a Province VI Synod meeting that serves as a General Convention “training” session (at a place to be determined) to which deputation members are invited, but not required, to attend, and for which funding is extremely limited. One or more deputies may also have the opportunity to attend a special meeting as part of the work of the Structure Task Force, although no such meeting is currently scheduled.

During General Convention

General Convention 2015 is scheduled from June 25-July 3. For deputies in some leadership roles (such as Chair, Vice-Chair, Secretary or Legislative Aide to a Legislative Committee), training will begin a day or two before the official start date of convention. During General Convention, deputies and alternates are expected to be present on the House of Deputies floor to listen to debate, vote, and track the progress of legislation. The Colorado deputation has a tradition of ensuring that all alternates present at General Convention have an opportunity to sit on the floor of the House and participate in the debate and voting. Each deputation member also is responsible for tracking specific pieces of legislation. This may involve attending and even testifying at legislative hearings before and after legislative sessions in the House. The deputation meets in caucus daily, typically at a very early breakfast or at lunch for 45 minutes. This practice assures the health of the team and that all members know the current status of legislation and other business and events. Often Episcopal Church Women (ECW) delegates and other visitors attend these caucuses. Some deputation members volunteer to write for the daily blog organized by the Diocesan Communications Director.

After General Convention

After General Convention, the deputation has a canonical duty to report to the diocese on the business accomplished at convention. In the past, the deputation has held briefings at Saint John’s Cathedral open to the entire diocese and made presentations at diocesan convention. Individual deputation members typically make presentations at their own congregations. Some have made presentations at other congregations and at regional convocations; the Standing Committee has also invited briefings at its meetings. The General Convention also refers a number of its passed resolutions to dioceses and congregations, and the deputation takes some responsibility for discussing and tracking these resolutions. The final duty of the deputation is to assist in the planning for the election of the next deputation by providing information and education about the work and process of General Convention. Individual deputies may also volunteer to be appointed by the presiding officers of General Convention to CCABs (although individuals may also be appointed to these bodies who are not deputies or alternates).

Time Commitment

To be a faithful and effective deputation member, the time commitment is substantial. The rewards of participation are also immense. As ministers in Christ’s church, we are called to participate and take our place in the councils of the church in accordance with our individual gifts and calling. A combination of interest and passion in the governance and future of the church as both Body of Christ and institution are necessary. Here is what the time commitment at meetings (not including teleconferences and optional briefings and opportunities) looks like:

Spring 2014                           

In-person meeting (not more than a day)

October 2014                         

In-person meeting/retreat just prior to Diocesan Convention

Spring 2015                           

In-person meeting (not more than a day)

June 25-July 3, 2015              

General Convention in Salt Lake City

The Future

At the 2015 General Convention there will be at least two momentous decisions for deputies and bishops (all diocesan bishops have seat, voice, and vote in the House of Bishops) to consider. These are 1) the election of the next presiding bishop – who will serve a nine-year term – and 2) the possible major restructuring of General Convention itself.

Kaze Gadway - What A Role Model!

When I grow up, I want to be just like Kaze Gadway. Kaze is a 72-years young lay minister who works with emerging leaders (youth of promise from 12 to 20) of the Episcopal Church within the Native American community of Northern Arizona. You can read Kaze’s blog, infaith posterous, here.

I first met Kaze a few years ago at a conference and was blown away by her energy, her embrace of social media, and the awesome cadre of young people in her wake. I had read and heard about her even earlier than that, as others recounted the stories of her ministry among Native American young people.

Several things about Kaze and her ministry strike me as important to note.

Kaze is hands-on. Her life is enmeshed and intertwined with those of the young people to whom she ministers. Her flock know her voice, and she knows every one of her young flock. She talks to them, and they talk to her. She listens to them, and they listen to her. They weep for and with each other. They pile into a van and drive hundreds of miles to a church conference, together. They eat fast food, and they laugh and do silly things, together. Kaze's love for her flock is palpable.

Kaze is always advocating for the youth to whom she ministers. Somehow, somewhere, some way, Kaze is asking for, advocating for, begging for, and cajoling the resources that are needed to support the opportunities for ministry experiences that her Native American young people would not otherwise be able to have. And she is teaching her flock how to stand up for themselves and for each other as they try on ministry experiences including trying out leadership roles. Kaze is always present to listen to the youths’ stories of fear, anxiety, and nervousness, and to say, again and again, just give it a try and see what happens.

Kaze gives voice and encourages voice for and among the young people of her flock. She shares their stories, frequently in their own voices as they try writing narrative and poetry, in her blog and on Facebook. She has encouraged many of the young women and men to share their own stories in blogs and on Facebook, too, and helped them to meet and connect with others in the wider church. I have read the Facebook posts and poetry of people like Jeremy, Katy, Jay, Nathan, Jacob and others, that make me think, if I was in your age range, I’d want to be friends with you and hang out with you, because you are doing and thinking amazing things. And as an elder, I’m so proud to know you and your faithful participation in your community.

Kaze isn’t limited by the artifices of age and generations. Age and aging are gifts, not limitations, and Kaze is living proof of that philosophy. Kaze is an avid and active photographer. You can always count on her to take the best photos at any event and share them generously on social media for all to see. Kaze is an active blogger, and she graciously encourages the young people to write their own thoughts in narrative and in poetry and generously shares her blog space to host their work.

Kaze will retire from full-time youth ministry on August 1, with her 73rd birthday arriving in September. It will be fun to see what the future calls Kaze to for her next adventure in life.

What a role model!

DO Something!

Anyone who knows me knows that I am no shrinking violet when it comes to language. I know my share of four letter words and other lettered words and how to use them. I know how to shape my critiques like spears and aim them wickedly, sharply. But I have to say, in recent weeks, perhaps months, I have found myself shrinking away from some of the language that is aimed at people on my social networking sites.

In fact, I find myself shrinking away from the social networking sites themselves, because the surfeit of crappy outbursts is often overwhelming and clearly dehumanizing to anyone who reads them as well as to their authors. I suspect it’s a measure of how deeply and profoundly marginalized many people feel these days, how “at the effect” of their lives they are feeling. I think as a society, we’re sort of at that point where in the film, “Network,” Peter Finch’s character Howard Beale shouts to the world, “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore.”

It grieves me deeply when I read ad hominem attacks on people, just because you disagree with them. It pains me to read the vitriol and know that degree of animus being spewed is being spewed by my friends. When you deal in do-do, some of it unavoidably sticks to you and your parts. That is an ugly image. I don’t like to imagine my friends covered in do-do. I prefer images of orchids, colorful parrots and landscapes.

I’ve been watching a lot of BBC comedies lately, and I have a strong preference for the tongue-in-cheek, humorous approaches to giving the offending parties a piece of your mind. The out-loud skewerings for which the Vicar of Dibley is well noted amuse at the same time that they make their points. I can agree that the offending parties truly are offensive, but in a “forgive them for they don’t have a clue how ignorant they really are” kind of a way. There is a humanity in that type of put-down that is totally lacking in the “F*#k  the  f*%k+^g  a$#h%&*s” diatribes that I’ve been seeing on Facebook lately.

Friends, I just want to say to you:  I get that you’re frustrated, feel lied to, and cheated. Who doesn’t? I get that you’re angry and feeling stuck and helpless. But you don’t have to stay stuck and helpless. Get off your butts, figure out who else is working on the issues that you care about, and join them. Become an advocate at the least, and an activist if you’ve got the gumption. Make your moves where they will count and effect some change.

As Mr. Rogers’ mother told him, “Look for the helpers.” Then, go help them make a difference. Be a supporter. Help champion your causes. Stop complaining, and DO something.

Talk, Leadership, and Learning

A recent rash of news articles purports that women have more words than men and talk as much as three times as much as men do. Research says there is a biological basis for this found in FOXP2, a “language protein” discovered in the brains of women and male rats, both of which vocalize more than their sexual counterparts.

I have a lot of words and expend a fair number of them everyday. My words haven’t found their way here recently, but have been present on the pages of my Facebook account and in some other writings, teachings, and conversations I’ve been working on.

When I’m leading a training or a meeting, I expend a lot of words. I realize that listening is a big part of being in community, and I try to listen intentionally as much as I can. However, I also do a lot of talking in order to share what I’ve learned and to be an encouraging presence in groups that are seeking to transform themselves and their organizations.

One of the things that happens as one gets acknowledged as a leader is that there are fewer gatherings, be they meetings or trainings, where you don’t have a role to play. The roles may be formal, as in being asked to give an introduction or a presentation, or informal, as in being queried when the group is looking for background information or feedback on the ideas they’ve generated. The responsible thing to do is to respond lightly, sharing appropriate amounts and kinds of information and giving helpful feedback that illumines ways forward. Keeping a check on one's ego is a constant practice in exercising responsible leadership.

I am deeply grateful when I have the opportunity to join a gathering as a full participant to soak up someone else’s wisdom and teaching and I can show up for the meeting without having had to prepare anything in advance to present. Such opportunities are more than merely relaxing; they are generative, giving life to my spirit so that I can bring life to my interactions with others.

In January and March, I had the opportunity to participate in two Province VI Council meetings that focused on conversation around “Why a Province?” and “Mission Fields Appropriate to a Province.” (Provinces are geographical groupings of dioceses in The Episcopal Church. Wikipedia has an informative article on this topic found here.) The discussions were led and facilitated by the gifted laywoman, Ann Fleming, Sangre de Cristo Regional Missioner of the Episcopal Diocese of Colorado.

Ann introduced us to Theory U, the subject of the book Theory U: Leading from the Future as It Emerges by Otto Scharmer, which she used as the framework for our discussions.

Theory U is a new approach to talking about the art of being fully present together, so that we can unlock the potential in our systems of relationships to realize what we think about, hope for, and work towards. I found it particularly helpful to learn about how we move from talking nice to talking tough to reflective inquiry to generative flow.

It is always exciting to be in a mode of active learning. Making time for the reading, research, and participation in groups where new learning is offered is a constant challenge to my priorities. It is easy to become stuck in associating only with people, activities, and ideas already known to me. New learning provides valuable, additional lenses through which I think about things and to how I articulate my thoughts. Additional lenses enlarge my view of the world and connect me to more people and different communities.

I'd be interested in hearing what you're learning about. Facebook is a wonderful online community that provides a multitude of input on ideas, authors, films, music, and artists to which I wouldn't otherwise be exposed. Friend me on Facebook! If you don't know me, send me a message first to tell me about yourself.

Come, and See

LENTEN MEDITATION FOR FEBRUARY 15, 2013 For Your Reading:John 1:35 - 42 When Jesus turned and saw them following, he said to them, 'What are you looking for?' They said to him, 'Rabbi' (which translated means Teacher), 'where are you staying?' He said to them, 'Come and see.' They came and saw where he was staying, and they remained with him that day. John 1: 38b-39a How many times have you been struck by curiosity about a great teacher you have read or heard about? If you had the chance, would you seek out that great teacher to try to learn more, and perhaps, even try to talk to him or her? How would you begin that conversation, since you haven't met the teacher yet? Might you say, "Where are you staying?" Jesus says to the two disciples of John the Baptist, "Come and see."  That is the fundamental invitation in evangelism, to come and see.  Evangelism means bringing good news. The invitation to those who hear the good news is to come and see. Come hear the good news of God's love for humankind that is greater than anything we know or understand. Come hear the story of how God came down to earth in human form to his mother Mary and to all the generations of humankind.  Through the Good News of God in Jesus' birth, death, and resurrection, humankind is redeemed as God's own beloved and commissioned by Jesus to share the good news of God's love with everyone, everywhere. As baptized followers of Jesus, we are anointed and called to be evangelists, to be carriers of the invitation to come and see. As members of Christ's Church, his body on earth, we are all empowered by the Holy Spirit to share the good news of God's great love and compassion for humankind.  Everything we are and everything we have is given to us by God, because God loves us unconditionally. We don't deserve anything, but we have everything, because of God's love for us.  Will you answer God's call to share the good news of Jesus Christ by inviting others to come and see - to join in our worship services where we celebrate the good news and to join in our service projects where we share God's love with others? When someone asks you, "Where are you staying, where do you spend your time," will you invite him or her to come and see where your heart of love for Jesus is renewed each week? Will you invite others to lift their voices in praise and to break the consecrated bread with you, to come and see and receive the love of God in Christ beside you? For Your Prayer:  God our Creator, we thank you for the gift of Jesus, our Lord and our brother, whose words of teaching challenge us to share the good news of his love and sacrifice for the redemption of the world. Holy Spirit our Sanctifier, we ask your help each day of our lives that we may walk in love, do justice, and love mercy. Jesus our Redeemer, we pray all this in your holy name. AMEN. For Your Reflection: 1.    Can you name ten ways in which your life has been blessed by God? Think about them, and write them down. 2.    Choose three of those ways in which you have been blessed, and write down how you would share those stories with another person from work or school or your community. 3.    As you think about how to share those stories, where do you see God being active in your life? [The Diocese of Colorado, of which I am a member, publishes daily Lenten Meditations from various lay and clergy leaders everyday in Lent. This is my offering this year.]